Sometimes I’m not good with words. I was going to call this a blind painting, because when it was started it had no notion of what it was going to turn into. But that sounded like it didn’t make sense, so I thought I shouldn’t actually say that. But now it sounds less bad. It’s one of those paintings that begin one way, has no direction for a while, is developed a little more and then boom! It gets a direction.
Part of me wishes I could redo my life from starting ten years ago. I suppose, with the knowledge I have today. But that’s a pointless thing to wish. There was a crush I had, and never told them, and well it might not have worked out, but he was such a sweet friend to have. There was a charm I feel I had with what I was posting back then, I drew what came out, and it wasn’t to make a living. I even had views here. I posted freely. And now many of those posts have lost hosting, so they are gone, I wish they weren’t. Now I draw and work on paper less, and paint more. Which is what I want, but well I miss the works on paper. Today I am hoping to get in a good work day. And perhaps later I can reward myself with a walk.
I seem to often, just not be able to come to a decision about how to use certain places. Uncertainty. It’s fine an all, it’s just not the greatest. So, not fine. I used to keep my xanga, in a way that was entirely about just what came out. Which had it’s own charm to it. But it was also very just not great, as in, like this post here, it’s just all over the place. Who cares, who cares what you have to gab on about. It makes for quite super personal posts, personal place of writing, and that’s okay too. It’s just, I also want a place that is fun to look through, a presentable blog pretty much. Here, I could have that, the best of both worlds, with using protected posts. on lj, I can too, by using the friend only posts. and everywhere I can via the private posts. Xanga, was easy though, because it felt like a secluded place on the internet. And the real only trouble I run into, is myself facing the idea that someone I know irl would stumble across this place and know it’s me. That, I keep trying to convince myself, isn’t an issue at all though. Because.. well, I just want to not care at all, what anyone perceives of me. And of course I can have self control, and know what it is that I am putting out there, with my words and such. None of these are real issues. None of these things really actually matter. This wordpress is really only just for me. And well, it’s not meant for people who know me personally. As it’s a personal place. However, if anyone reads this and doens’t know me, then well, it’s a free for all or whatever. If it’s public at all and to begin with then, it must be because I have no issues with it being public. I suppose it’s just empty space. Empty words thrown into an empty space. Not empty words exactly, it’s just as in, if one doesn’t know where the words are coming from, we tend not to care or invest anything into it. What I’m getting at is, I do wish I had just one single place to do all my interneting stuff in, blogging and stuff. Writing and sharing what I draw or paint. It’s just getting used to the new age of the internet now, versus 10 years ago. And, perhaps its a constant thing I am facing. Not that it’s really something to face, but, you get what I mean. That’s why it feels like insanity. Like, what the hell?
I have a place on tumblr that is entirely password protected, and it’s a null place. it’s just me talking to me. I write there frustrations and secret feelings or things like that. But here, what should i do here? and how much of this should i express. Seriously. What the hell.
Untagged posts, will never be read. Unless those that have followed actually followed to read and see posts, and not just in hopes to get follows back.
Whatevs. You can always unfollow me.
His words are so good. So inspiring. So true.
so cute! makes me laugh every time
Here she is on the easel, I’ve been liking her more and more every day, since starting on this months ago, getting closer to finishing her. I haven’t worked on it for months, just picked it back up, and have a direction for it. Yesterday was a slow work day, was not focused early enough, had to do various things, got a late start. I hope to focus a lot better today. Wish me luck!!