november twelve was the day ray caesar replied to my email to him, through myspace. Today is december twelve.

twelve again. my sister is twelve.

and i will be the opposite. two one.

and this is day seven thousand six hundred fourty five. its four twenty four am right now.. actually, no..this clock is slow.

im pretty tired. i cant wait untill i have turned all of crap for school. Cant wait. it sucks so much. its so shameful. only..because i know better..because i am taught otherwise. But… sucks.

i was reading again what he wrote me. this is what he wrote me:

Hello Carol

Thank you so much for the kind words you sent to me as it is truly appreciated so very much.

I get so much mail and to be honest I dont reply so ofte n now as so much of the attention I get gives me a very agoraphobic feeling … not something I will ever get comfortable with. I just wanted to tell you how much I loved your work. I went to your blogger site and saw all the sketches and paintings and models you have made …you make wonderful work Carol …there is truly something quite captivating in your painting and drawings and you are doing a splendid job with the 3D work and very good models. I think what I like the most is how unusual your work is ..its different… your subject matter… I can see the love you have in doing it. I first thought I would tell you my favorite pieces ..but I love them all ….Keep working towards creating what you love Carol no matter what happens.

Take good and kind care of you and Feleen

luv n stuff …. Ray


I know what i will do now. not because i read that again, but.. Because I know. I will do what i love. i dont even have to say what it is. i just know. ive already said it. saying it so much, makes it..said too many times. i dont know.

I love where i am. I can keep getting sad, but i still love where i am. The sadness is only temporary..I have no reason to be sad.

oh. also. THis guy that i met a first Friday, he bought four prints from me then, he emailed me. asking me again if i would do a larger piece for him. I said id love to. he told me how big, and that i could do pretty much anything i do. And wants the original. this is veery exciting. Someone wants to my artwork! original painting..after having bought prints.. and..a much bigger one. not small.  its so great. he also told me about some digital work he might need to be done..might end up doing that, too. I dont want to get overly worked up about this, but i hope it all goes through. Id sell the painting for 350 or 400 hundred dollars. My first painting. id make it on illustration board, ive been wanting to paint on it again for some time now. and..its perfect for this, im also excited to paint at that scale. 18 by 24 inches, he wants. About.

This is what i want to do. Make art. and sell art. My first time at first friday..if this guy really is serious, he will be someone i sold to, whom i met through my FIRST time at first friday! my first time EvEr trying to sell my art.

This is so amazing. Even if it doesnt happen afterall.. Im creating paintings and doodles and whatever youd like to call them, the one below..and think im getting better, I know i can do better..And, it seems all so very possible. For the next time, i will surely have many more prints available. i have three definate ones, that are working..and ive got until february. a tad over a month for it. and..even if i dont sell a whole lot, i am there. standing behind my art.

I feel in love with .. this feeling. Of knowing.

Ill post about my thoughts on art later, Im sure. But it is great.

to quote my favoret recent quote “simply because I want to” Mark Ryden, if i remember correctly. He said things exactly like i think them.. to only create because you love to, thinking of approval…or a goal or something…you loose something..and you dont create your true…art. I cant phrase it anymore. But its… ‘to make are simply because you want to’  … I love that.


and any job, is a job. jobs that i will have to have at some point, so that i can pay for stuff.  Im told that i can easily get a job in the field. Of.. what?..modeling? I guess. I dont know. but… i very much..dont want to do any of this. not really. maybe thats just a mind set ive got. but, either way. Im not trying very hard to get better at what im doing at school right now. which makes me think that i can less get a job in it. since..i will have little to show my skills. ..i would assume.  But,..a degree ends up being nothing, if you can do nothing, you wont get a job. if you do what they are looking for, then theyll hire you. Hurray for those getting jobs.

I just want money. So i can save up. then move out….into my own little studio..anywhere, and for 500 a month or so. and.. id pay for gas, and stuff. ANd art supplies. and cat food.

and i cant do this now, because i dont have a job. And, i am not getting a job. because i do not want to work right now. i will work once i am though with school. and takes up not much of my time..and i hardly do homework, so, i can very well maintain a job. but then, there would be less time for making stuff. and thats not good. Id loose, carol. with a C. and,

save money, get ready. and pack. and live. and work. and create. What i love. So that..i can become known. so that my art can become known, and wanted. after can you call it art, if no one but you will ever see it?

I agree.


My friend situation is well. for now, i wont feel lonely. I still have no friend, not male. I want a Girl. one that..i can talk to.. I would think its nice to have.  But, im okay.

next year. Cant wait for a new year. always good to see things begin again.

sigh. : )




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