do i have a right to complain?

 (10:27PM Monday)

..

my grandmother died sunday night. we’ll be going to mexico after all. it had been on and off..about going. My mom will still be there.

i’ll be glad when this quarter ends. i ll be glad to be turning twenty one. im glad my grandmother is wherever she is now. she was in pain..the last weeks..months..of her life. But she’s okay now.

..

so no, i don thtink ii have a right to complain. not complain..but just.. if i havent done anything to better my emotional ways..then i cant say a thing. until i have tried. then i can complain. But i think i am well. i am okay. motivation is complicated. i havent done a single thing. im not sure why..is it lazyness.. do i think that i just caant do it. is it procrastination..and thats it? do i have a reason?

and..as for the emotional thing.. I need to see my doctor.  so he can give me some medication. i guess. talking to a friend..maybe i have a sort of social anxiety. but..i m sure there is a difference between that, and shyness. I do not think i am shy. i would hate to think that i am. and for that.. maybe i am.. buut. i dont think so. its more than that. its a terrible feeling that i get. its more, i know it. i .. well.

yes. that is what it is.. and i dont know. ive done nothing.  but im okay. this quarter will be over soon. this year will be over soon. another year of my life will be over soon.

i still feel alone. and..when i do..i am most to myself. i dont like ..around public places..i am either in the moment..and doing whatever. or..very..not happy. unless im enjoying my time with someone. and if im feeling okay.

im still alone. i can choose to hang out with people..but it never feels right. thats why sometimes i think that a new start somewhere would be better. but i cant get that now anyway.

i must feel at ease..i must beee at ease. but ..i am never. i cant be, its too hard. but, it shouldnt be. i think that..everyone knows what im thinking..and the things im doing. but i know perfectly. to them im just a person walking by. or..a person sitting there. or here.  im not oh look at what she’s doing. look at what she’s thinking.

no one knows. and if they did. So be it. whatll they do. think? yay. think.

but i cant convince myself of these things.

i need to do things simply because i want to. and not wonder what anyone else might want or think. only i matter to myself in the sense of bringing myself happiness in feeling happy.

but also..

its hard though. I have to lead a happy mind. in order to feel happy while i am anywhere. so that i can feel friendly..to people who i am not friends with. so that i can feel fine. so i can pretend. so that i can feel soemthing. otherwise..i try nothing. and i go about my day..without speaking a single word. nearly. and feeling terrible all day long. and you dont care. no one cares. if you care, you care at this moment, while you are reading. once you’re done. you are done.

Me too. i have to keep thinking about that. how little things matter. that if im in a room full of people..a loud room ..and i am near tears. it doesnt matter. it soon will be gone.

everything is okay while i am in my house. here. i am safe. of course.

everytime i leave. i am thinking.. okay..i am  leaving my house..im going..and.. all the time i am self concious..soo self consious. so aware of everything..of me. and of, what of me, to others. but.. i knoow. i know!..that no one is looking at me..no one is loooking at me. all they see is the outside. and a glimpse. those peoople dont know me. and if they do. then, they do.

no need to worry.

and..its so stupid. this isnt a real problem. im not..nothing out there is wrong with me. its only me.

me.

but,.. i just dont know..how to change. i dont know how.

how do i know if this is a problem? how can i tell. i can easily see a doctor. and tell him. and he’ll tell me. and ..

whats the worse that can happen? that i get better? right. but..im afraid to go. im afraid. i dont want anyone to know. because i seem fine. no one will …see why.

will they?

i can just go.

i can fix things. i can. i am my own self. i am mine. i can change it. everything i want is here. i can make it possible.

but will i?

i am so afraid.

if im afraid of this..how will i ever be successful. how will i put myself out there? i keep thinking..if only i take myself out of this sheltered safe place. then i will be okay.. ill do better on my own.

i have to go. i want to sleep now.

i want to wake up tomorow.

and. and do whatever. i need help. i want help. i want to feel better. i want to feel like me.